Tears of Gratitude
By Thea | @TkStories | November 24, 2018
Last night a wave of gratitude came over me. All of a sudden I realized how far I have come and burst into tears. I never thought I would ever cry happy tears again, but I was wrong. It was not until that very moment - sitting on my chair, looking through my window at the moon shining in the darkness - that I was truly grateful to have survived years and years of darkness and pain through serious chronic illness. I am well into my 10th year being chronically ill, but that is okay. Things are getting better, and I notice signs of hope every day now. You know the saying "There is always a light at the end of the tunnel"? Well, I must admit that I doubted that many times. Oh man how I hated that effing tunnel! I never saw any light. However, suddenly the tunnel took a turn. A sharp turn. Before I knew it: There it was. The light. You may think that this is a cliché saying, nevertheless, it is a true saying. Now I finally understand why people use it. I see the light now, and man it is beautiful. All those years of darkness; the excruciating never-ending physical and mental pain, the doubts and fears, the loneliness, my body - a prison, the deep dark depressions, opioid addiction, horrendous withdrawals, the seemingly meaningless existence, the agony of living with an illness no one understands, chronic thoughts and fears of death, yet wanting to die... All those things... no words can ever describe the level of pain they bring with them. However, now that I am beginning to get to the other side, I see that they taught me valuable lessons. Lessons that I am deeply grateful for. They gave me a whole new outlook on life. They taught me who I am. To love my body. To love myself. To face my dark shadows head on. They forced me to shed limiting false beliefs. I had a spiritual awakening and learned to be open to Miracles. To Love. To Life. And the list goes on... Last year I was living with my parents, deeply depressed, addicted to opioids, mostly housebound, and if I went out (on rare occations), it was in a wheelchair. Now, a year later, I am sitting here writing this in my own apartment, drug free, able to go out and about and walk with my own two feet whenever I want (well, mostly). I am able to do my hobbies for hours on end without it causing painful flares. Here as well, the list goes on... In the darkest of times, I told myself: "I don’t know it all yet. There must be a meaning to this that I cannot see now, but one beautiful day I will," and I trusted. However hard it was. I chose to trust Life’s plan for me. That wellness and good times would come. That "beautiful day" is today. The wave of gratitude came over me again today. Today I see that there was a deep meaning to the seemingly meaningless depths of despair. I am writing this to show you that there is hope. I am a living proof! Even though I am far from healthy and still have dark days, for the first time of my 22 years on this planet, I can finally say that the future looks bright. So put your shades on Thea, because you are in for a beautiful bright shining ride!
Thea has no degree, no job and no future plans. However, she’s got hope, lots of love, and an adorable cat! Thea also happens to have several health issues, including depression and ME/CFS, which force her to take one day at a time. When Thea can, she makes art and comics, plays her instruments and do random things. Such as make up random songs on the spot when she’s out and about. Yes, people stare, but she tries not to care. Even after a decade of illness, she has a feeling that everything will be okay. Everyday is a painful struggle, yet she never gives up on looking for the Magic in life. She believes magic is always there, if we choose to see it.